{"id":9070,"date":"2021-09-13T18:28:17","date_gmt":"2021-09-13T18:28:17","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/esperanzaunited.org\/?post_type=cde-knowledge-base&p=9070"},"modified":"2025-08-27T08:38:00","modified_gmt":"2025-08-27T13:38:00","slug":"understanding-boundaries","status":"publish","type":"cde-knowledge-base","link":"https:\/\/esperanzaunited.org\/en\/knowledge-base\/our-community-says-no-mas\/understanding-boundaries\/","title":{"rendered":"Understanding boundaries"},"content":{"rendered":"\t\t
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Understanding boundaries<\/strong><\/h3>

Discussing the importance of boundaries with your children is one of the foundational steps to understanding limits and respect for oneself and others.<\/span><\/p>

Set limits<\/b><\/h4>

Limits create structure and stability. For example, if your child wants to purchase a violent video game, you have the right and responsibility to say, \u201cI don\u2019t like the messages that game sends. Violence is bad and hurts people, but that game makes it seem like fun. I know you play that game at Alex\u2019s house, but I don\u2019t want it played in our house.\u201d Or if your older child argues against having a curfew any longer, you might say, \u201cI believe this rule is important for your safety and your health. If I know when you are coming home, I\u2019ll know more quickly to look for you if you are in an accident or in trouble. And keeping to a consistent schedule is a great way to make sure you\u2019re getting enough sleep and down time, eating properly, and taking care of your responsibilities without too much stress.\u201d<\/span><\/p>

Limits teach children self-control<\/b><\/h4>

By setting limits and allowing children to exercise self-control, they learn what behavior is acceptable, how to work through feelings of frustration when they do not get what they want, and to respect other people\u2019s boundaries. Children will push limits; in fact, one of the key elements of adolescence is to test limits. But if children learn to understand limits, they are more likely to be able to set and respect limits as they mature. Imagine, for example, you tell your children that after they do their chores, you will take them to the swimming pool. Your children choose to watch videos instead, so you do not take them to the pool. Your children experience the consequences of their choices and see that you respect yourself by meaning what you say \u2014 in this case, you demonstrate that you cannot be coaxed into changing your mind.<\/span><\/p>

Notice, however, that you are not trying to control your child. You simply made your values, expectations, and consequences known (work is important, everyone in the family has household responsibilities, and if you do not meet your responsibilities, I am not taking you to the pool). You also demonstrated that you respect yourself, your values, your decision, and your integrity enough to follow through. This is different than trying to \u201cmake\u201d your child behave the way you want them to by, for example, nagging, threatening, arguing, or creating punishments. Instead, you are communicating to them that their behavior is their choice and their responsibility, to which they will be held accountable.<\/a><\/span><\/i><\/p>

Limits are about establishing a \u201csafety zone\u201d in which children and youth can learn and practice new skills independently. It is natural that as children mature and your relationship with them develops, limits will be negotiated, tested, and changed as appropriate.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>

Teach about personal boundaries<\/b><\/h4>

Teach your children that in relationships, people decide for themselves what they want and don\u2019t want. Take advantage of everyday activities to talk to your children. For example, tell young children during bath time that their genitals belong only to them and no one else should touch them except as needed for cleanliness and to keep them healthy.<\/span><\/p>

Help your children understand that they should be free to discuss their personal boundaries without fear of repercussions, and have these boundaries respected. Create opportunities for them to think this through. For example, you can ask, \u201cSince you and your sister share a room, what are some ways you can give and respect each other\u2019s privacy?\u201d<\/span><\/p>

Let your children know no one has the right to demand or expect anything from them, for example, that just as they should have been able when they were younger to refuse to kiss and hug family members, they don\u2019t have to kiss anyone on a date or be pressured into sex.<\/span><\/p>

Teach respect for others\u2019 boundaries<\/b><\/h4>

You can show children you respect them by allowing them to exercise options and make choices within healthy frameworks, then acknowledge and accept their choices.<\/span><\/p>

Generally speaking, there are a few interconnected ways to teach children to respect others\u2019 boundaries:<\/span><\/p>